Naomi Kritzer
Author: The Devil's Mailbox
Date: 2012-05-27 01:59:22+02:00

The Devil’s Mailbox
by Naomi Kritzer

Originally published under the title “Faust’s SASE” in Scavenger’s Newsletter, September 1999. Reprinted as “The Devil’s Mailbox” in Planet Relish, December 2000.

Dear Mr. Faust,

Many thanks for sending your soul my way, but I’m going to pass on it. I’m afraid your soul didn’t quite grab me, alas. Best of luck to you in pursuing damnation, and thanks very much for thinking of me.

Yours truly,

The Gorgon of Gelder

Demon *

Dear Sinner:

Thank you very much for letting us see your soul. Unfortunately it does not suit our needs at this time.

Your soul has been reviewed by a demon, but the press of time and souls (approximately 850 per month) does not permit personal replies or criticism. For your general information, though, most souls are rejected because they lack novelty. A great many sins that may seem innovative to a newcomer to damnation are in fact overfamiliar to those more experienced in the field. The odds greatly favor this being the cause of this rejection.

Another common cause (all too common, we’re afraid) of rejection is the obvious lack of basic understanding of theology on the part of the sinner. By this we mean that the sinner is unclear on the nature of his sins, and/or the gravity of the same. Souls are rejected on this basis because a sinner must be familiar with the tools of his or her trade, just as an electrician or carpenter must.

Finally, your soul may have been rejected, not because it lacked novelty, or demonstrated a lack of understanding of theology, or because the sins were not “impressive” enough, but simply because it failed to sink far enough below the other 849 seen that month.

Sincerely,

Gargoyle Dossier

Demon *

Dear Potential Soul-Seller:

In the best of all possible worlds, each soul submitted to us would receive a contract signed in blood and a check by return mail. I certainly wish everyone interested enough in damnation that they are moved to try to become a part of it could be so rewarded.

In a world just slightly more perfect, you’d be receiving in the place of this form rejection a lengthy letter giving the detailed reasoning behind why your soul did not fit our current needs. I know how hard it is for a sinner to get honestly and knowledgeably critiqued, and I hope that you find a workshop, friend, colleague or priest who can provide that service for you.

Unfortunately, the world we do live in is one much harder than either of us would like. It’s a world where checks and contracts are rare, because hundreds of other potential damned souls are competing with you for the openings each month. It’s a world where, in order to bring you the temptation and rewards you expect from selling your soul, the time honestly does not exist for me to tell you my specific reactions to your soul, other than to say it did not match our artistic concept.

But don’t let this discourage you. Remember that a demon never rejects sinners—only their souls. If you know anyone else who might be interested in selling their soul, please encourage them to think of me.

Sincerely yours,

Shott Idleman

Demon *

Dear [Mr. Faust],

I am stunned almost speechless by the depth, beauty, and uniqueness of your soul, [Mr. Faust]. Our office has unanimously voted to award your soul a Demon’s Choice Award for your achievement.

We’d like to offer you a one-time opportunity to purchase an anthology containing your soul and other similarly outstanding souls, for only $49.95 plus $7.00 postage. We can print your biography in the anthology as well for only an additional $20.00. In addition, we would like to offer you an artist’s rendition of your soul, done on black velvet, for only $479. We would also like to invite you to join the International Association of Damned Souls; dues are only $125, with a one-time initiation fee of $85. Finally, you can order laminated cards with a reproduction of the artistic representation of your soul, $19.95 for 24 cards.

I look forward to establishing a mutually beneficial relationship with you, [Mr. Faust].

Yours truly,

Will Pare and Desneeze Stirs

Demons

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