ECOLOGICIDE

EMERGING ENVIRONMENTAL WOES THREATEN PLANET EARTH

There seems to be no end to the ecological disasters either pending or already
in full swing on Space Raft Earth. We've heard the scientists' dull whine about
the greenhouse efFect for many years now.

And what was once the thinning of the ozone is now considered a receding ozone
layer, leading many scientists to recommend simply combing the ozone over from
the side to cover the bare spot. "I've been doing it myself for years, and no
one seems to notice that I'm almost completely bald," remarked one formerly
hirsute atmospheric physicist.

Actually none of these socalled disasters will have much impact on most of us.
The greenhouse effect promises to melt the poles, but unless you live in some
low-lying coastal area, like Key West or Washington, DC, this just means that
the beach will be a few miles closer.

The thinning of the ozone boils down to being able to maintain that deep, rich
tan just by walking to the car in the morn ing; most of us don't spend more than
a few minutes in the sun on any given day, anyway. You can put these matters
out of your mind. Life will still carry on much the same.

But while all the attention has centered on mainstream ecological issues, a
legion of festering problems have begun to emerge. No one talks about them,
though they promise to be even more devastating than the ones that grab the
headlines.

For example, automotive exhaustion. Does your car look tired? Mine does.

DEPLETION OF THE TIME ZONE

Notice how rushed you are lately? How there never seem to be enough hours in the
day? Most of us attribute this to busy schedules, raising kids, and working 16
hours a day.

But in fact, the very essence of life itself is shrinking. Think back to when
you were young. An hour spent in idleness could last forever. An eternity might
pass as you lay on the couch, watching dust motes drift in a shaft of sunlight
as you awaited Howdy Doody while Mom warmed up some milk in a saucepan to mix
with Bosco.

Contrast the leisurely passage of time in your youth-perhaps a mere 10 or 20
years ago-with the passage of time today. By the time you remember you were
going to start taping I, Claudius on Sunday nights, six episodes have passed.
You buy a tape, fully intending to at least catch the last few, but already the
series is over and you're stuck with Upstairs, Downstairs.

The reason for this phenomenon is time compression. As a result, time is
passing faster with each moment. For example, in the time it takes you to read
this sentence, you have aged six months. The universe began with a big bang and
it will end with a big crunch. Soon there will be no time left. Everything will
happen at once. In fact, it may be too late already.

ECONOMIC RELAPSE

It cannot have escaped your notice that everybody's broke. There isn't enough
money to keep us healthy, fed, clothed, and educated.

Government agencies are hard at work figuring out ways to allow you to select
the necessities you want to continue in order that the rest may be discontinued.
Would you prefer, police or fire protection? Food, clothing, or shelter? Some
have advocated turning major American cities into theme parks, complete with
sewer tours to see the alligators and subway tours to see the
troglodytes-anything to make or save a little money.

As an alternative to the long, successful All American Cities competition, a new
contest to be named the Loathsome Bolshevik Municipality has been designed to
help instill pride in the neglected residents of Newark, Boston, and Detroit,
The only thing standing in their way is a lack of funds. Which leads us to...

THE GREENBACK EFFECT

By now you're probably in a state of aggravated anxiety, quaking in your chair,
asking yourself questions like "How could it have happened?" and "What can I do
to prevent it?" and "Where in the world are my nitroglycerin tablets?"

The answer to these problems is the same as the answer to any other problem:
money. We need to raise lots of money. With that money, we will buy television
and radio time to spread the word so even more people will be aware of the
problems. And they will then send money.

So do your part: Recycle some cash today.